Today I have failed

Mar 13, 2014 | Blog, Featured, New, Uncategorized | 10 comments

I have failed. Luke is sick. As he sleeps bedside me in bed I send so much love into his beautiful 12 year old body. As he breathes through his mouth I notice blood on his teeth and braces from his dry cracked lips. His eyes are moving around under is delicate long lashed lids. He dreams. We just finished sleeping through a healing meditation. My sore throat started this morning. Luke’s started nine days ago. Today he will go to the doctor. Today I have failed.

I am a healer. My medicine chest has only homeopathic remedies, vitamins, some essential oils, and my connection to spirit. I take great pride in taking care of my people. My kids and I have not been to the doctor in years—maybe five or six or seven (I’ll find out for certain in a couple of hours). I brag about that because I’m hella proud. This time is different.

Sore throat, sniffles? Homeopathic Belladonna under the tongue a few times a day usually takes care of things. That and some alkalizing vitamin C and a probiotic. Cough? Add in homeopathic Arsenicum album. It’s hanging on for a few days? Add in Mercurius solubilis.  Cut back on sugar intake. Get lots of sleep. Do some cupping. Along with mom’s qigong healing. All is good. What? It’s still hanging on and your ear hurts? Enter Berberis Formula. These capsules are like a natural antibiotic. Claire’s tendency is for things to hang around in her sinuses, but the Berberis seems to be working.

Add in a trip to the dentist (when they were little my kids would get sick after a trip to the dentist: my naturopath warned me this could happen) and a couple of days of skiing (I know, this wasn’t helpful, but it was already planned). Cough worsens and drives us crazy. Hotel room = no one sleeps.  Ears are plugged off and on. Mountain Man now has it…look out for coughing, snorting, snoring, and grumpiness. Everyone is using up the Berberis, I don’t have enough…I don’t have the right remedies with me…

Back home from the mountains, Luke’s cough continues as Claire bounces into her world feeling better.  He sleeps lots. His ears bug him. His ears bug us because he can’t hear us nagging him to blow his nose. I am having nightmarish flashbacks to when he was little and was constantly sick and needed inhalers. This is a big story that I need to tell you about soon because it relates to how I became a healer.  More remedies and whatever else we can find gets poured into him. A couple of nights ago he wakes but is dreaming and I guide him back to his sweaty feverish bed and climb in with him. He asks for my help (as he pats his own back along with me). I ask him what he needs me to do. He says, “love me.” I do. So much.

Back to us here in my bed. He is moaning and twitching. The dream is playing with him. I want to play with him. The outside world of school, homework, work, yoga, and grocery shopping waits. I close the door tight against all of it. I want to help him. I feel it deeply. This morning I picked up the phone. Today I am thankful for doctors.

Love and light,


  1. Evie

    Sue, today you did not fail. Today, you received the lesson that sometimes we need to ask others for assistance…others who might have different expertise than what we have.
    It’s all good Mama Bear.

    • Sue

      Thanks Evie. I know it’s okay to ask for help and that there is a lesson for me there. Also Moma bear needs to gear down and understand that others can also protect her cubs.

  2. Sarah

    I guess I need to kick your angel-butt right now. You haven’t failed. There were amazing healing women in the middle ages who didn’t fail, either, they gave as much as they knew, but they were still defeated by things beyond their control. You live in a time where you have options available for when the natural remedies don’t work, which is only good. Unlike most, you don’t over-use them. But (and I think I can say this as an old friend) maybe we need reminders to not let our egos lead. This is your “thing,” and it must rankle that you needed to see a doctor. I have my own “things,” and it’s hard to admit that my best in those areas is still lacking at times. But maybe this is good for us: accept imperfection, accept that these are not failures of anything but our own egos needing validation. Personally, I think “failure” would have been not admitting that, at times, we need help. 🙂 Get well soon, sweetie.

    • Sue

      Thanks for the butt-kicking Sarah. It really is ego that gets in the way. It did rankle me, having to call the doctor. And it’s okay to ask for help, I know that. And heck, it’s even okay to need antibiotics. I am not superwoman as much as I’d like to think so!

  3. Amy

    Awww! This made me sob…but in a good way. There is so much LOVE in this post, one can FEEL it! Love and healing to Luke and your family!

    • Sue

      Thanks Amy. There IS So. Much. Love. Glad you could feel it too! Xo

  4. Karen

    You gave everything you had to offer – solutions, love and more. That is not failure – refusing to accept help beyond ourselves is. Be kind to yourself.

    • Sue

      Thank you for your kind words Karen.

  5. Krystal Bernier

    I don’t think you have failed, I think the beauty of the modern world is we can combine the best parts of healing from natural remedies (like yours and mine) and conventional. One type of healing is not always going to be the right one. I hope your family and son feel better soon. Please don’t feel like you have failed. If it was a perfect world our doctors and natural healers would be one.

  6. Caroline Cain

    This is a beautiful post Sue. and reminds us to embrace what is possible, whatever it looks like at that moment. Thank you for sharing so openly what many of us ‘health people’ feel at times like this


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